What’s wrong with me?

I find myself in a constant struggle. I can never allow myself to enjoy everything as it is. I am always in search for more, for better, for options. Upon further observation I noticed that I am not the only one facing this overwhelming sense of constant search… borderline constant unsatisfaction. 

But why? I am not unhappy – In fact I am pretty sure I am pretty well off at the moment. I just moved into my own place which i love, have been in a loving relationship with someone I consider my best friend, have a good job, am surrounded by amazing family… so why am I struggling to just enjoy and let that be enough? 

And here I am impatient about what to do next, what will make me even happier, what can bring me to an increased sense of accomplishment. Are we simply over-achievers? Are we in constant self reflection? Are we bored? Why!? Why do I always need to look for more? Barely settle in to one thing that I look to move on to the next. Don’t expect this post to have a great ending because I honestly don’t know how to overcome this troublesome feeling. I feel like today’s generation is always looking for change, for the options, for the choices, for the possibilities. I trust that this is not always a bad thing; it pushes me to set higher objectives, to aim for more, to be ambitious, to persevere but at the same time, it makes me impatient, unsettled in my own element and constantly agitated and in search for a deeper feeling of AMAZINGNESS!

So, what to do? Where to go from here? How will I feel tomorrow – or better yet, what will I want to be tomorrow!?

To be continued… 

No more over-analyzing pour moi!

So I came to the realization that in today’s world there is way too much pressure put upon us. Pressure to bring in money, pressure to get married by a certain age, pressure to have children, pressure to have the best of everything. AND this pressure is put upon us mainly by ourselves. Yes there are many outside sources as well i.e; parents, family, friends and the media. BUT we are the ones that ultimately press the most.

So, for the last couple of weeks, I have put aside that mentality and changed my way of thinking and in turn my way of living. I try (try being the perfect word to use in this process) to live one day at a time, I try to not judge my decisions, I try to not over-analyze ever other word in every conversation and I try to not push myself to the point of self-criticism. Instead, I push myself to express how I feel in the NOW, I push myself to enjoy TODAY, I push myself to not think too much, I push myself to laugh and smile and take life lightly!

I have been enjoying this new self-proclaimed ideology. Why waste time focusing on everything that went wrong, what I should have said, is that really what he meant, should I do that… WHY!?!?! I now just go with it and say “F*CK IT” to everything on the way that just doesn’t go with how I feel at that time… I make decision based on myself, how I feel and what I want! No one else has control over myself but me so I go with that and enjoy the outcomes… at least that’s the plan – and so far so good.

As a total stubborn-control-freak-judgmental-impatient person, this can be very hard to get to, and yes I do have momentary lapse and total freak attacks but after a short breathing exercise, I am back and ready to push through the madness in my head and simply say: Yalla Ani zoremet!

How to find the right motivation to persevere?

I find myself at a professional crossroad (as I do at least once a month) but this one seems a little bit more severe. I am one people may call a serial career changer. I get bored quite easily and my quick fix-it solution is always “ OK onto the next challenge and the next job”. I would love to grow old in a company and rule the world but who am I kidding… UNLESS of course ruling comes hand in hand with my own business. And that’s the dilemma I am facing this month. I have decided that working for “the Man” is just not for me so much. I don’t like being told what to do, I like to explore my creative mind, I don’t like to have to count my vacation days and having to bank sick days and fake a cough from time to time just to have a relaxing day, not at work, I want the flexibility of experimentation… all things I can’t quite get from the typical 9-5 desk jobs I have been so lucky to secure up until now in my life. Don’t get me wrong I love and loved my jobs on most days. They have allowed me to learn skills no textbook would have, they have allowed me to meet people from all walks of life with all sorts of cool backgrounds but the ultimate satisfaction is not quite there.

So how do I fix this issue? What clear solution would allow me to have total career happiness, total creative freedom and ultimate final decision? I have been wrapping my head for weeks now trying to see what I am good at, what business I could get into that would provide me with that career satisfaction that I so impatiently yearn for. Sadly, I always find myself with no clear cut answer. What does that mean? Am I not good at anything? Come on!? I have to have a skill that would allow me to go into business for myself (and that wouldn’t require too much start-up finances à Oh ya I might have forgot to mention that I don’t really have that many dollars at my disposal to hit the group running as easily.) So what can I do? What business would provide me with the happiness I am in search of? What can I do that people may want to buy or pay for? There has to be something!? No?! I have spent many days and nights googling all sorts of things from how to start a business, how to write a business plan, what small business are worth investing in, what business are fruitful today and have yet to find the right fit for me! Am I doomed to work for “the Man” for the rest of my life? PLS HELP… that cannot be my fate!

Has it really been a year?

Wow! I forgot about you my little blog. Perhaps the lack of excitement has let me to forget you but here I am… back and typing away.

Not much has changed since I settled back into my life in Montreal. I can’t believe it has been over a year since I left Israel. That decision in my head almost every other day. Was that a smart decision? Should I have pushed myself a little bit more? Should I have given myself a year at least to expand on my self-exploration? On most days I’m happy to be back in Montreal and on other days I wished I stayed in Israel for a little bit longer. Not forever because I know that Israel was not the long term life I saw for myself but at least a year – a year to learn about myself, to discover my limits, to test myself.

BUT that decision is long gone and a year has gone by since my return. The biggest change being that yet again my career path has taken a turn. I have joined one of the largest corporation in Canada. I have taken on a position that is so new and challenging (on most days). On most days not quite understanding how I got the job, given that my skill set is totally unrelated. I now work for a community TV channel. YUP found a way to have TV around me 24-7 and that is the best part. I am in charge of finding great new concepts for TV programming that represents Montreal. I must say I am learning sooo much and using words that I still don’t quite understand but make me feel like I belong in this production world. The main downfall… being the only Jew! No one to understand me, no one to talk to… the diversity around me is huge and for a little Jewish girl, totally unfamiliar – totally taking me out of my sheltered and padded bubble.

That has been the main change in my life so far. Other than that, I have discovered that I am really climbing up the latter – and not the latter you’re expecting; the latter of age. I had a blog a few months ago getting myself ready for the 29^th birthday but guess what, an even bigger milestone is coming up: the big 3-0!! That’s right… in less than 4 months I’ll be 30… wow… 30… that’s crazy! What I am now scared of is the judgment I get from people who ask for my age and realize I don’t fit in the regular 30 year old woman mold. Single, no children, an unfamiliar career path… BUT honestly, I decided to tell them all to F-off… I am soon to be 30 years young and fine with it! I am not about to succumb to the pressure of life and settle for mister whomever to have 2.5 kids a little house in the suburbs and call it a day. I never saw myself as a settler and I hope to G that that won’t change anytime soon. I invest in myself everyday – analyzing my decisions, pushing myself, growing… I know what I want in a partner and although I do spend many days fantasizing about the future I want, I mainly what happiness to overcome me every day! I want to have a relationship that is based on friendship, love and trust. I will not lower my standards to fit in a mold that I just don’t fit into! So the quest is still on… the search has not stopped but with a smile on my face I am optimistic… taking it one day at a time. My ducks, in due time, will line themselves up in a row…

The Dating Scene

So I am official putting myself back on the dating scene. After months of holding on to something, I finally let go, got my closure and am ready to hit the road running.
Only issue is, all this time I took to get my act together sort of let to the reality that I have no idea who is left out there. It seems to me that everyone is already shacked-up. Everyone found there match; men that used to be pure womanizer have been tamed, true bachelors have been in serious long term relationships, the party animals are home bodies taking care of their 2.5 kids… was I really that out of the loop? Was I really so MIA that I missed the train?
Here I am working on shaping up my fine-ass body into full potential, making it ready to go except I have nowhere to go? Where are all the young professional singles hangouts? How does one meet new people? Is there a social scene for singles? Everywhere I seem to go has the couples, the married, the just divorced… Or I am left with the rejects; the weird guys, the guys with long lasting emotional issues, the cheaters… no offense… I am not perfect but I still have standards. I have my list of non-negotiables. I don’t think I need to lower my expectations and settle for mister standing in the corner because he’s the only left. All I ask for is: a sense of humor, ambition and compassion. Everything else is just an added bonus. Nevertheless, Mr. 3 requirements is nowhere to be found!

I am over online dating… that brought me nowhere productive. Hours spent chatting with no purpose or for the sole purpose of a physical connection; no thank you, not what I’m looking for! So I am left with asking people to connect me to other people but at the end of the day I am no one’s priority. So as much as their heart and intentions are in the right place, 5 minutes post the excited conversation of “Oh my God I have the perfect guy to set you up with” people move on and there is no follow through. So no I’m left with the need to not only bring up the topic once but have to follow up on an ongoing basis until I reach results. Talk about work!!! Yuck!!!

Then there’s the long distance approach. BUT is that really worth it? I know I shouldn’t limit myself to the 514s but the 917s and the 323s are not that easy too. Long distance demands maintenance through back and forth travel which is a big financial burden.

So what now? Where do I go from here? I want to date! I am a good date, I promise!

Tallying up 2012!

A few hours left before another year passes us by. Here’s to what was 2012 with some great memories, some interesting decisions of good and many more poor decisions, and making the best out of both!

To name a few:

1. Deciding to pack my life up in four bags and shipping myself to Israel. – On most days can be seen as a poor decision although I see it as one of my best 2012 moments. It brought me with such interesting stories, some that will remain memories stored for a lifetime. Incredible new friendships, an exhausting but exhilarating job that allowed me to challenge myself and see the highs/lows and depths of my birth country of Israel. A new found independence and confidence in myself. Without Israel I wouldn’t have found myself – or at least parts of myself. I pushed myself to limits I didn’t even know I had. From great moments to my very first panic attack. All in all this was an excellently well spent 5 months in 2012 with many more highs than lows.

2. Deciding to repack my life in 3 bags (leaving all my damaged self in that 4th bag) and shipping myself all the way back to MTL. – On most days considered a smart decision but on days like December 26 with the nastiest snow storm to have hit Montreal in year not such a smart decision. Coming back home was the right thing to do. Being close to my family is by far the most important part of my return. Knowing that at the drop of a hat they are seconds away is not only reassuring but happiness all on its own. One day at a time I settled back in until I found my new groove. Got a new job, one that although is very boring on some days has thought me more than I could imagine thus far. Got a new apartment that I share with one of my very best friends. Hard decision to make to move in with a friend after my Israeli experience (which wasn’t ideal and/or happy all the time), but nevertheless so far so good!

3. Reconnecting with the X. – POOR!!! Let’s just say not my smartest decision. After a year and a half of working to move on, that one slight hesitation brought me back and nostalgia did not help my self growth. So now that that’s done with, have I learned my lesson?? Who knows!! Enough said about that one.

4. A LOT OF OTHER POOR DECISIONS CALLED MEN! Referring to but limiting it to Mr. G, Skype boy, IT, the secret one…

Just stupid decisions that I now know will most likely repeat themselves in 2013 – let’s face it; I have not rediscovered myself to the point where I can call myself a saint! So, here’s to 2013; wishful thinking to have it all figured out at some point within its 365 days… Maybe have won the lottery (which therefore means I need to start playing), finding the man of my dreams (which means I need to stop dreaming cause my expectations are just too damn high) and all the other great things one wishes for on this overrated but a great excuse to drink too much and add just one more poor decision before switching into 2013.

The year before the big 3-0!

I am one month short of my 29th. How flippin ridiculous is that???? What the heck happened to me in 28 years and 11 months?? How has time passed so fast?? What the F is going on?? No big deal right?! WRONG!!! All I keep thinking about is that I have 13 months left in my twenties.
OK so yes a lot has happened but still, I don’t feel and/or behave like a person who is 28 and 11 months! I had a complete different image of what life was going to be like a while back ago when I was fantasizing about my future self. I was to be married with a bunch of kids running around. But those fantasies all seemed so far away. Today, when I think of me being a mother I freak out. Who the heck would give me the responsibility of another life when I am still trying to figure out my own!!?? So my big 29th birthday decision is to make my last year in the twenties count. How… that’s what I need to figure out.