No more over-analyzing pour moi!

So I came to the realization that in today’s world there is way too much pressure put upon us. Pressure to bring in money, pressure to get married by a certain age, pressure to have children, pressure to have the best of everything. AND this pressure is put upon us mainly by ourselves. Yes there are many outside sources as well i.e; parents, family, friends and the media. BUT we are the ones that ultimately press the most.

So, for the last couple of weeks, I have put aside that mentality and changed my way of thinking and in turn my way of living. I try (try being the perfect word to use in this process) to live one day at a time, I try to not judge my decisions, I try to not over-analyze ever other word in every conversation and I try to not push myself to the point of self-criticism. Instead, I push myself to express how I feel in the NOW, I push myself to enjoy TODAY, I push myself to not think too much, I push myself to laugh and smile and take life lightly!

I have been enjoying this new self-proclaimed ideology. Why waste time focusing on everything that went wrong, what I should have said, is that really what he meant, should I do that… WHY!?!?! I now just go with it and say “F*CK IT” to everything on the way that just doesn’t go with how I feel at that time… I make decision based on myself, how I feel and what I want! No one else has control over myself but me so I go with that and enjoy the outcomes… at least that’s the plan – and so far so good.

As a total stubborn-control-freak-judgmental-impatient person, this can be very hard to get to, and yes I do have momentary lapse and total freak attacks but after a short breathing exercise, I am back and ready to push through the madness in my head and simply say: Yalla Ani zoremet!

How to find the right motivation to persevere?

I find myself at a professional crossroad (as I do at least once a month) but this one seems a little bit more severe. I am one people may call a serial career changer. I get bored quite easily and my quick fix-it solution is always “ OK onto the next challenge and the next job”. I would love to grow old in a company and rule the world but who am I kidding… UNLESS of course ruling comes hand in hand with my own business. And that’s the dilemma I am facing this month. I have decided that working for “the Man” is just not for me so much. I don’t like being told what to do, I like to explore my creative mind, I don’t like to have to count my vacation days and having to bank sick days and fake a cough from time to time just to have a relaxing day, not at work, I want the flexibility of experimentation… all things I can’t quite get from the typical 9-5 desk jobs I have been so lucky to secure up until now in my life. Don’t get me wrong I love and loved my jobs on most days. They have allowed me to learn skills no textbook would have, they have allowed me to meet people from all walks of life with all sorts of cool backgrounds but the ultimate satisfaction is not quite there.

So how do I fix this issue? What clear solution would allow me to have total career happiness, total creative freedom and ultimate final decision? I have been wrapping my head for weeks now trying to see what I am good at, what business I could get into that would provide me with that career satisfaction that I so impatiently yearn for. Sadly, I always find myself with no clear cut answer. What does that mean? Am I not good at anything? Come on!? I have to have a skill that would allow me to go into business for myself (and that wouldn’t require too much start-up finances à Oh ya I might have forgot to mention that I don’t really have that many dollars at my disposal to hit the group running as easily.) So what can I do? What business would provide me with the happiness I am in search of? What can I do that people may want to buy or pay for? There has to be something!? No?! I have spent many days and nights googling all sorts of things from how to start a business, how to write a business plan, what small business are worth investing in, what business are fruitful today and have yet to find the right fit for me! Am I doomed to work for “the Man” for the rest of my life? PLS HELP… that cannot be my fate!

Has it really been a year?

Wow! I forgot about you my little blog. Perhaps the lack of excitement has let me to forget you but here I am… back and typing away.

Not much has changed since I settled back into my life in Montreal. I can’t believe it has been over a year since I left Israel. That decision in my head almost every other day. Was that a smart decision? Should I have pushed myself a little bit more? Should I have given myself a year at least to expand on my self-exploration? On most days I’m happy to be back in Montreal and on other days I wished I stayed in Israel for a little bit longer. Not forever because I know that Israel was not the long term life I saw for myself but at least a year – a year to learn about myself, to discover my limits, to test myself.

BUT that decision is long gone and a year has gone by since my return. The biggest change being that yet again my career path has taken a turn. I have joined one of the largest corporation in Canada. I have taken on a position that is so new and challenging (on most days). On most days not quite understanding how I got the job, given that my skill set is totally unrelated. I now work for a community TV channel. YUP found a way to have TV around me 24-7 and that is the best part. I am in charge of finding great new concepts for TV programming that represents Montreal. I must say I am learning sooo much and using words that I still don’t quite understand but make me feel like I belong in this production world. The main downfall… being the only Jew! No one to understand me, no one to talk to… the diversity around me is huge and for a little Jewish girl, totally unfamiliar – totally taking me out of my sheltered and padded bubble.

That has been the main change in my life so far. Other than that, I have discovered that I am really climbing up the latter – and not the latter you’re expecting; the latter of age. I had a blog a few months ago getting myself ready for the 29^th birthday but guess what, an even bigger milestone is coming up: the big 3-0!! That’s right… in less than 4 months I’ll be 30… wow… 30… that’s crazy! What I am now scared of is the judgment I get from people who ask for my age and realize I don’t fit in the regular 30 year old woman mold. Single, no children, an unfamiliar career path… BUT honestly, I decided to tell them all to F-off… I am soon to be 30 years young and fine with it! I am not about to succumb to the pressure of life and settle for mister whomever to have 2.5 kids a little house in the suburbs and call it a day. I never saw myself as a settler and I hope to G that that won’t change anytime soon. I invest in myself everyday – analyzing my decisions, pushing myself, growing… I know what I want in a partner and although I do spend many days fantasizing about the future I want, I mainly what happiness to overcome me every day! I want to have a relationship that is based on friendship, love and trust. I will not lower my standards to fit in a mold that I just don’t fit into! So the quest is still on… the search has not stopped but with a smile on my face I am optimistic… taking it one day at a time. My ducks, in due time, will line themselves up in a row…